We’re Exactly Where We Need to Be

Story: You’re in your early 20s. Maybe you recently graduated college but don’t know what you want to do with the degree. Maybe you wanted to take time to find a trade you enjoyed and use your natural talents. Maybe you have decided what you want in life . . . but you’ve already applied to ninety-nine (a rough estimate) jobs, and ninety-nine recruiters turned you down. What’s wrong with your life? You “should” have found something by now, right? You “should” be further along in life. You feel pressure to meet society’s milestones.

Does this sound familiar? What if you’re older and in a different stage in life? Read the below statements before we go further:

Early 20s: “If I don’t get accepted to the college I want, it’ll throw my whole life off track.” “I should be ready to move out of my parents’ and make it on my own.”

Late 20s: “I graduated with good grades. People say I’m competent. Why can’t I find a job?” “I should know what I want to do and what career I want to be in.”

Early 30s: “I should be married by now or at least engaged.” “Everyone I see on social media has someone.” “Why am I still single?”

Mid 30s: “I should have traveled more by now.” “I should have made enough money by now to do what I want to do.” “Why am I so far behind?”

Late 30s: “I should have had kids by now.” “I’m running out of time.” “Am I ever going to have a family?”

Early 40s: “I should have bought a house/condo by now.” “How long will I be stuck?” “When will I finally be successful?”

Mid 40s: “I should feel like I have accomplished everything I wanted to do and pursued my passions.” “I haven’t been promoted in a couple of years.” “Aren’t I good enough?”

Did you find yourself nodding as you read these statements? Was your inner voice whispering, “I’ve said that” or “That’s so true”? What’s driving these negative perceptions? Why do we spiral into self-doubt, self-criticism, and hopelessness?

The answer is: we compare ourselves. You’ve likely heard social media named as the culprit for our expectations. On personal social media, we experience FOMO. We hold false beliefs that others have the adventures, free time, or home we’re lacking. On professional sites like LinkedIn, you wonder how so many people are “thrilled to announce” a promotion or new job or were “honored” to attend whatever conference.

We might know rationally that all people have problems. We know they’re only casting themselves in flattering lights. Regardless, we might feel envy or frustration.

Comparing is despairing.

However, people have compared their situations to others long before social media’s debut. Even before the advent of television with its portrayal of unrealistic benchmarks of getting married at a certain age and other definitions of “success”. Comparisons are part of the human experience.

The question is: what can we do to liberate ourselves from this thinking? By using what we’ve accomplished in our lives as a reference point for our personal progress.

Yale cognitive scientist Dr. Laurie Santos describes this beautifully in Alie Ward’s Ologies podcast on Eudemonology (a.k.a. the science of happiness). She shares a study that looked at the emotions of Olympic medalists. Before we get to the study, who do you think would be the happiest? (The gold, silver, or bronze medalist?) Who do you think is the least happiest?

Ok, here are the answers! Dr. Santos tells us:

“[ . . . ] gold medalists, probably feeling pretty happy. Makes sense. They just won a gold medal. But what about silver medalists? Maybe slightly less happy. But what researchers find is that if you look at the emotional expressions that silver medalists show on the stand [ . . . ] They’re not just slightly less happy. They’re actively feeling awful. They’re showing signs of extreme sadness, contempt, anger. [ . . . ] [I]t sort of makes sense, right? Because the silver medalist isn’t thinking, ‘I’m objectively the second-best in the world. I objectively beat the other 7 billion people.’ They’re just thinking about one reference point that makes them feel awful. The gold. They were almost there [sic] and they didn’t get it, so they feel like a loser. But what’s striking is, if you look at the bronze medalist, you see something completely different. Because their reference point isn’t the gold. They were [ . . . ] 30 seconds off, or they lost two matches or something. Their reference point is, like, “If I had just messed up a little bit more, I would go home completely empty-handed. I wouldn’t even be on this stand at all.” So, they’re showing signs of true ecstasy. In some cases, they’re showing expressions that are even happier than the gold medalist because their reference point is, like, “Phew! Look how lucky I am! I almost totally screwed up!”

Did you guess right?

Now, most of us aren’t Olympic athletes. But what we can learn from this study is to anchor ourselves in our experiences, not others’ experiences. We, not society, provide ourselves with our reference points.

But how do I do that, you ask.

Imagine you’re writing a story about your life so far. Describing your journey as the hero. (We’ll explore this concept more thoroughly in another post). You’ve learned along the way, made mistakes, had mentors, reached the next level. You’ve survived every setback, perhaps injury, illness, financial or relationship problems. You’re striving to make your life better, as you reading these blogs proves.

\You’ve already reached the podium. You don’t feel like you won the gold medal. What about the bronze? Can you objectively say you’ve made it this far? You have talent, determination, and passion. It’s your personal victory, no one else’s. You can say, “Whew, I made it! What’s next?”

Keep training, keep practicing, keep improving. You’ll reach your gold. Keep your personal expectations personal: in your 20s, 30s, 40s, and beyond.

Key Takeaway: You’re exactly where you need to be. Dream about what you want most. Work toward your passions. When it seems like you’re “behind” others in your generation, remember that no one has everything they want. Everyone is working toward something.

This Week’s Action: Draw what you love about your life. (For example, do you live with a cat or dog? Draw them. Do you have a friend you can call when you have a bad day? Draw him or her (stick figures are perfectly acceptable). Do you play a video game that thrills you? Doodle a controller.) Add what you dream about throughout the week: the home, the job, the activity, other people. You may not have achieved what you’ve wanted yet. Use these images and revel in what’s brought you to your podium.

Contact us:

jaz@anindependentflame.com

Jaz Azari

An Independent Flame

Coaching | Mentoring